julie.

cw: this is about my friend's recent death by suicide

Our friendship was one of a kind. We met by chance on the internet. At the time, I really wanted internet friends and I scowered discord servers looking for an accepting one. we were still in the pandemic. thats when i met you. you had a shinji pfp. you were good at drawing. next thing you know we are best friends.

you made my life so much better. you were the little gay person in my phone. you talked about ur feelings and i talked about mine. thats why I was so confused when I learned the news. you never told me you were leaving.

at first i thought you blocked me because I texted you and my texts turned green. In my own fucking insecure mental gymnastics, I thought you blocked me for not responding quick enough and that I had no way to contact you until you wanted to talk. 5 days go by and I'm still waiting on you to unblock me so I could tell you I got my eyebrow pierced. I message the gc, hoping you would respond instead of anyone else.

I google your name. I laugh while typing because me and moon used to make fun of your last name. The result is 3 different articles and an obituaray

I cant help but think that it was my fault. I could have been there for you. I shouldve have been there for you.

you would still be here if I had just texted you that day.

so im sorry.

how can i even call myself your best friend if i cant tell when you need my help?

i always talked about you to my college friends. I would say "yea i have this really cool friend in NY". When you starting going to punk shows I started to get jealous of u. god u were cool

you are beautiful. your long brown hair always mesmerized me. I knew you throughout your entire transition. I remember how happy you were to start becoming the real you.

i liked to imagine how our first meet up would go. I would land in New York and you would be there at the aiport. I would see u and instantly smile. You would talk my ear off and show me all the cool places in your city. But that probably couldn't happen until my senior year of college.

in a few days, i could probably write something a little bit more eloquent. i think right now, my guilt is overwhelming me. I didn't even know until 9 days after. I took you for granted, julie.

im sorry