(A) or (B) represent friends I cant say the names of
why cant i figure out whats wrong?
i have so much anxiety right now. and not just im a little overwhelmed in my head like usual. Its like a physiological reaction. My heart is sensitive, beating fast, i feel like im gonna shit myself, i want to cry.
theres 3 main parts to it rn. schoolwork, nervous about going out, and jealousy of other ppls friendships.
theres a d9 (black frat) party on halloween night. It looks fun. im worried that im not going to get in tho. (A) said and i quote: “they are chill you can get in with any ID” then decided to say “you have to know people there and come with a popular group.” who the fuck is a popular group. that just made me so sad. I get to watch “popular” people have fun while I get to get denied from every place i go to.
i went to my first frat party on saturday. there was someone checking ids at the door. my friends used their fakes (wish i could get one) and i used my real id like an idiot bc i thought the bouncer wouldnt let me in with an id with someone elses face. the look on their faces when they see the year 2005 on my dob. i feel like dissapearing every time
apparently (B) goes out all the time. they went to a bunch of different bars and got in. all places i want to go to. do i just not have the right group? or the right amount of courage? and they had so much fun. without me.
on sunday night i watched rocky horror. (amazing show btw? top 3 obsession) (B) invited me to sit with them, but when i got there there were no seats left. so i sat in the back. i could barely see. but it was still so fun (anal sex anal sex anal sex) i think its hard because i like them so much. i want them to like me, and im sure they do, and i want to be in their group of friends but it looks like they already have who they want around them, and i just cant fathom being around a bunch of white queers constantly because i know how they look at me.
i think at home, back in highschool, it was easier to feel not jealous. i mean i always get jealous of poeple with friend groups but it wasnt as intense bc there were no parties or bars or fakes or beady eyed white people. It was just me and my friends who id known forever. we were gay and we were black/poc and we were so happy with just eachother. maybe it all comes down to just missing highschool.
but anyways. im really nervous. i think of every possible scenario that could happen at that party. and i cant decide. do i want to go to parties and have fun like everyone else, or do i want to just go to school events and have my own, state sanctioned fun. I had so much fun volunteering, and so much fun at rocky. and if that was all i had to do to be cool or have “real fun” at this school, i would be so happy. But now I have this weird obligation that I have to go out the real way and have “fun” at parties and bars and clubs that i CANT GET INTO. maybe it comes down to acceptance. I want to be accepted by a group of people. I want to be accepted by the bouncer at the door. but i know i wont be and i cant be so why even try? thats why im anxious. because i know i have to try (for my friends) but i already predicted, decided, the end result.
maybe this whole thing will go away once i get a fake ID
i want to cry but i cant cuz i have eyeliner.
*when i say beady eyed white ppl i mean like. white people that only hang out with other white people. the district i grew up in was really diverse, there were few white people that didnt have black people as significant ppl in their lives if that makes sense. god i feel like a side character. ofc there were racists but it just wasnt as much. there were no microaggressions or stares. do you know how many people didnt recognize me when i took down my hair?
“its gonna take a while to find your people” BITCH EVERY OTHER NIGGA HERE ALREADY FOUND THEIR PEOPLE FYM?!?!?!
woah. writing about my worries really helped. journaling is so cool.