ive been putting of journaling and i really sohuldnt have. ive had a lot of feelings lately and i really want to put them all into words. everything ive experienced here has been overwhelming. the classes, the social life, the independence. ive been here for about a month and i still cant say if i really like it here.
I moved in on aug 11 and it was pretty fun for a while just doing school and freshman events. but i wanted to have to “college experience” and go out. i was invited out once to a party but it got shut down before we got there, then we wanted to go to a frat party but it didnt existed, and then my (white) friends got into a bar and me and my roomate (black) didnt. i felt so left out. fomo can really describe half my experience here T_T
yesterday i had my orchestra seating audition. i cried for 2 hours before, while i was practicing, because i knew i wasnt good enough and alllll of the feelings just broke through. I miss having a friend group back home. i miss having it all together like i did in highschool. i miss feeling like the coolest alt person in the room. i would feel imposter syndrome back then but i could always be reassured that it was unfounded. but here? i am an imposter, truly. I cant really play violin, as good as these ppl anyways. i dont think i have what it takes to manage everything in my life. i was just so overwhelmed yesterday. all of my friends were reassuring me but i just had to experience the sadness.
i still have no established friend group. it feels like everyone is having a lot of fun all the time except me. i have rlly bad fear of missing out. even right now theres a function that im not at cuz i overslept and its making me anxious. and i cant find any goth clubs here. theres goth nights occasionaly at clubs but apparently the cool ones closed down during covid. my college town in pretty historic and known for music. thats half the reason i came here. theres punk shows often, but then theres the fact that idk who to go with and i dont want to feel out of place or look stupid. im planning on going to a barbie themed dance party tonight, im sure that will be fun. ANNDDD i can still catch the 9pm phantom stream :D . i met this rlly cool goth person thats really into metal and she showed me a bunch of metal bands and it made me realize i dont know about punk and riot grrl as much as i should so again, i feel like an imposter. a POSER!!
and dont even get me started on classes. last week i decided i would focus on classes bc my social life was dissapointing me and being smart is the one thing i know i can do. but its actually not going good and freshman chemistry is kicking my ass. this is half my major so i have to do well, but im already struggling because I DONT KNOW HOW TO STUDY.
i went home last weekend and got to play sims and stardew all day and i felt glorious. i could just ignore everyone. everything is too loud here. im always talking and im tireddddd it was so nice to get a break but i wont be able to go home that often. i felt like myself at home again.
for the site: i feel so bad because i havent been able to find the time or energy to update it. like, i have so much in the works but i feel liek its not enough yk? im building an anime list page, and i have a button that i can release and everything, but i just. its hard ok? html and css is easy to learn but hard to master, and im just going to be really slow with updates from now on.