life right now

tw self harm lol

my life is pretty nice right now. I have a boyfriend who loves me and I have friends that care about me alot. I like my classes for the semester. I thrifted a loded diaper shirt from goodwill. i love my boyfriend a lot and his friends like me (i hope). I sleepover at his apartment almost every weekend. im a professional, i literally just finished an internship at an engineering firm. I think I'm pretty most of the time and I love how I dress. so why do i still hate myself so much?

recently ive been making a bunch of small mistakes. I lost my dorm key which is gonna cost idk how much money to replace. The school health center closed down for the hurricane so I dont have access to my birth control. iykyk, it fucking up my emotions and probably going to give me nausea soon. And i keep doing stupid stuff like that. Every social gathering I end up feeling awful about later cuz i inevitably say something weird or wrong. I know this stuff is small but it adds up. Every mistake I make feels like concrete evidence that I'm a bad person and I dont deserve love.

this is obviously irrational, so why do i feel this way? Its like this cycle of torture in my head. And I've noticed its affecting how I think about my boyfriend. I keep trying to convince myself that he actually is super frustrated by my whining and complaining. He secretely doesnt like me and im a huge burden. Its causing me so much anxiety. All day he tells me how much he loves me and cares for me and wants to help me feel better and would do anything for me, but i refuse to absorb any of it. I just cant let go of the thought that im a inconvience. As if I want to be right SO BAD that I just make up shit to give my horrible ideas validation. The other day I really thought he was cheating on me js cuz he didnt text me after class. Like bffr? How could I? Just last month I wouldnt have even thought of that, I trust him so much. Even though hes been refuting it every time I say it, I am such an idiot. Im so mean to think about him this way.

and now ive gone in a circle

I havent told yall about my friend breakup bc its still really hard to talk about. But after that was the first time I cut myself. Id already been engaging in less severe self harm behaviors but i never thought it would get that bad. After that day I swore Id never do it again cuz it fucking hurt. but here i am with fresh ones right on top of the old ones. All this cuz I lost my key. So far I've done it 3 times. I dont see a reason to stop though. Im starting to like how it feels. I like watching the blood run out of my skin. The new ones still hurt a little, its like a reminder of what I did. For better or for worse.

Im doing pretty bad in school. Im a little behind but I have lost hope in myself getting back on track. I tried so hard for the last midterms but still didn't do very well. So its hard to put in effort when I know I wont see any return. I have to force myself to believe that I can do well, all for it to crash back down at the next midterms.

so basically, my life is going great on the outside but I still want to tear myself apart. I miss julie so much. She had an art piece that showcased her sh scars on her right shoulder. I wonder how she would feel about us twinning now. I had a dream she came back and her death was all just a bad nightmare. I had to wake up and realize she was still gone.

sorry joseph i love you a lot. i dont feel deserving of love recently, but without yours i would be lost.