Ive put off writing this reflection for a long time because 2024 was the worst year of my life. Now that im having a birthday I can only think about Julie who will forever be 17. Its not fair that I get to keep celebrating my birthdays and shes not here to see them. Even a year later, I still hope that this was all a misunderstanding and she will shoot me a message. I still havent accepted that shes gone. forever.
In 2024, my grandmother died. Then Julie died. Then I fell out with my ex best friend. Which caused me to spiral into self harm. My grades declined, and going on birth control made my negative, self-loathing thoughts extremely intense. I often wondered if I was next on the list, but I’m still here.
My falling out with my best friend in summer of 2024 is also something I have not fully accepted as a part of my life. I still feel a weird mix of anger and guilt when I think of them. Us ending our friendship does not mean I am not worthy of friends or love, but during that time i could not escape how unworthy I felt. So, now I have permanent scars down my left shoulder.
The 2 people I could actually talk to are now gone from my life, and I will never get them back.
However, I would be lying if I said that 2024 was all bad. There was someone I met last year that stuck with me the whole time and will be with me for years to come.
After my spiral in summer last year, I told my then situationship about my struggle with self harm and in exchange she told me she will help me get through it because she loves me. Since June 21st, 2024 weve been making each other feel better about living, one day at a time. I love my girlfriend so much and I’m indebted to her for getting me through that hellish year.
Of course, my other friends stood by me too for every shit hand I was dealt last year. So it wasn’t all bad.
Theres 7 minutes until my teenage years ends
I have very mixed feelings about turning 20. On the one hand, I know my life won’t be that different. Its not like im graduating or making a life changing step. On the other hand, its been kind of a wake up call to realize all the things I feel like aren’t fulfilled in my life. I want to learn guitar so I can be in a band. I want to participate in my local scene. Have i done any of that? Barely. I guess barely is a start but, I can try harder. Thats the only thing I’m sad about. I wish I had done more as a teenager so that I could thrive more in my 20s. holy shit im in my 20s