cw sex
I broke up with my girlfriend. There was no breach of trust and no toxicity so this was a heartbreaking decision, but i needed it to happen. Naturally, I've been thinking about romance, sex, and my weird relationship to them. So this chapter is going to just be exploring that. I wont be going into a sad diatribe about having a terrible sad breakup because honestly, It was a good relationship and I will be fine.
I have always enjoyed developing crushes on fictional characters. I cant even remember my first one, it was either Papyrus from undertale or Adrien Agreste from Miraculous. Either way it was always fun for me as a very overlooked young teen. I obviously had no experience with romance so I loved the idealistic paradise in my head and didnt want anything more for a long time. But during covid it got really.. intense.
When I was 16 in the depths of COVID lockdown, I fell in love with Kurapika from HxH. I think not seeing people for a year did something to me because I was more than obsessed. I pretended he was my boyfriend for an entire year. I had almost 5000 fanarts of him saved in my phone for me to look at and swoon. I had my friends write fancition about me and kurapika. I used to cry that he wasn't real. I was definetly self shipping before it became socially acceptable online and im honestly a little peeved yall are just now getting on this -_- (I think this was the start of my overwhelming attraction to blondes, ik im crazy stop judging me lol)
After being done with kurapika I actually had my first partner in highschool. They were terrible and we were basically e-dating but my fictional crush list did die down. Then when we broke up in 2022, it started back up again. Over time, I realized that my fictional crushes are a reflection of my mental state and relationship to romance. Most worryingly, I discovered that I might enjoy fantasizing so much that it completely fills the void created by lack of romantic experience in the moment.
I think this part of my life really solidified idealistic romance as the best form of romance in my mind. I'm not as touch starved anymore, but I still really enjoy fantasizing about fictional characters. Now that I can interact with it more sanely than before, its really fun. But i cant with certainty say its healthy.
Deep down, I knew my relationship was over when I developed a crush on Armin Arlert from Attack on Titan back in October of 2025.I go more into detail on my love for armin as a narrative character on my anime page. But yea all the signs came back - reading erotic fanfiction, drawing him, watching all those edits and finding fanart. I was having fun again. But that was the first fictional crush since I met my gf, which meant my brain couldn't deny any longer that there was something I wasn't getting out of my relationship
Me and my girlfriend met on tinder. For spring semester of freshman year our relationship was just a FWB/situationship with sex at the center of it all. Sex was the early foundation of the relationship, and in summer of 2024 came the emotional commitment to eachother. She came out to me as a trans woman and I was the first person to tell her that its okay. That was the start of my committment to her. She was committed to me by helping me through my lowest point in the aftermath of Julie's death. So we had a really healthy, fun, queer relationship in 2024/2025. I'm very nostalgic for that part of our relationship. But eventually, the gay kinky butt sex died down. and it died down hard and suddenly leading to a huge amount of not so secret angst and frustration. This happened almost exactly a year ago. My therapist even tried to help me through it, asurring me that i wasnt an evil monster for needing intimacy. Over the past year, I think we had sex 5 times. Without sex, the glaring compatibility issues were too hard to ingore, and I stopped being happy. I think it was a pretty steady decline starting in april of last year: gradually going from hanging out less, to talking less, to kissing much much less, to being annoyed by her texts, and finally to losing my attraction completely.
I don't know if my fantasies about Armin count as real emotional cheating, but it definetly felt like it at the time. I told her about it with hopes that things would change. They did not. Before i lost my attraction, I did try really hard to bring the romance and passion back. I became okay with not having sex but something was still so missing. With the honeymoon phase over, there was pretty much no romance in our relationship. I think I wouldve been able to stay longer if I got a romantic text once in a while, but as my friends described i was basically her best friend who sleeps next to her occasionally. I noticed at the very very end, she did try to do more after i created some distance. But i had already lost my attraction, and it was too late. Ugh.
However, one huge point of failure on my end was me thinking I knew what was going on her mind. I was under the foolish assumption that she was completely fine with our lack of sex and romance, but late into our relationship she told me that she was quite sad about it and thinks about it a lot. I dont know if thats where her head was at an entire year ago when this started but hey who cares its over now. I was so checked out of this relationship that when she told me this I felt so little empathy. Thats not the type of person I am but I became so fucking apathetic. I was apathetic because I gave up and was getting my romantic needs in my own head with my now reinvigorated list of fictional crushes. While writing this, I'm realizing that I could have just stopped reading smutty fanfiction. I was deluding myself into thinking it was completely okay and not unhealthy for my relationship because I really wasn't getting those needs met elsewhere. It was so... fun. It was really fun to have my old routine back...
My bestie said it best when I finally decided to break up. "Relationships need intimacy, passion, and commitment to stay alive and healthy. Right now yall only have commitment and really nothing else and I and everyone else can see how much its eating away at you."
So my relationship is over. This was my first real relationship. The breakup was hard for a second but im fine now. When it first happened I regretted it so much. But its only been a week and I'm functioning just fine, I don't think about it often.
I'm not sure if its healthy, but recently I've been kind of filling the sexual void with a character from a piece of media I just watched. This past month I have become fucking obsessed with Xavier:Renegade Angel and the titular (hehehehe tit) character Xavier. I'm in huge denial about self shipping with this fucking creature but we are married in Tomodachi Life and are going to have weird bird babies soon. so. yea i love that guy. and i wanna hit. maybe its because the show is so fucking funny? The show is about him being a god awful person and I dont think he was intended to be likeable at all. but I wasn't the one to give him child bearing hips and blonde hair and beefy delicious arms and tummy and no clothes to cover them up. I might be a furry.
I intended to show my girlfriend this insane adult swim show with the weird bird guy. But i never did. Not because I was embarrassed about my attraction to Xavier (crazy fucking sentence i know). After 2 years into this relationship, i was STILL not comfortable showing the things I liked that she may not have liked. To be fair Xavier: Renegade Angel is kind of insane and can be offensive at times. I dont particularly like EVERY joke, but it gets me laughing so hard because the good outweighs the bad by far.
my love for this show came at the perfect time for escapism and distraction from my breakup and final exams. i draw xavier all the time; his face is so unique i cant help myself. its become my new comfort show. ive watched every episode 3 times. i wish there was more episodes but i dont want a s3 because they would ruin it, unless its the same exact writers and animators. anyways... xaviers lines have become part of my vocabulary. looking at his backwards legs makes me laugh every time. oh my god ts is so funny go watch it. im laughing writing this guys.
I have a lot of hope for this summer. I'm free to do whatever I want. I'm trying to get a job at urban outfitters and I got an undergrad research job. I'm determined to learn guitar (this is an affirmation) and I'm going to open commissions for extra money and drawing pracitce. My friends are FINALLY turning 21 so we can be young and turnt every niiight. im truly an alternative young ho at heart. Im at a place where i love myself more than I ever did. I didn't even self harm after the breakup #progress!! oh but theres actually a war in Iran and were bombing brown kids again and Gaza still isn't liberated and every time im happy i stay in gratitude because on the opposite side of the world there are people my age whos dreams are being crushed.
this will probably be my last diary entry. I no longer feel like this should be a centerpiece of my site. site diaries were popular on neocities when i started my site in 2022, but i dont think this has the function i want it to anymore. especially with the very triggering subject matter in earlier entries. The diary will most likely be moved to just exist on the sitemap in time.
thank you for reading if u got this far! feel free to comment in the guestbook!